Friday 11th July 2025

This is day one - the very first post. I'll give you a brief moment to take that in before I continue.

I should probably start all this by telling you a little about me. I'm a 51 year old fat bloke who is now synthetically skinny thanks to the wonders of the new fat-jabs I stick in my arm each week. To say these injections have transformed my life would be an understatement; I can now look down and see parts of my body only previously visible if I inhaled my stomach in and extended my neck outwards to the point of risking a dislocation of my C2 vertebrae. I feel much better now that I look less chubby but svelteness has not delivered the confidence in social situations that others experience. There's no escaping the fact I am an introvert of almost the highest order. I was not born with natural flair for conversation, physcial expression or any ability to socially interact in ways that people regard as fun. I've been known to be the only one in a room of 100 not doing the conga at a wedding, I simply will not dance and anxiety will build in me for days leading up to a social event, even with people I know.

But worry not, I am not sad, depressed or loathing in self-hatred, I've got used to me and I have found peace with being the one that people seem to like but few get to know. I'm fiercely loyal to people I regard as friends and I'll willingly get out of bed at 3am on a wet Sunday to help you change a tyre or give you a lift home when you miss your last train. If you're a friend I'll do whatever I can to help you but I'll sulk for a month if you forget to say thank you. I've been teetotal for around eight years. I made this move not due to being an alcoholic or my health but simply because when I drink I become objectionable, argumentative and generally that person that nobody wants to be near. So, when a recurring episode of late night arguments with my girlfriend resulted in me throwing her wellington boots down the garden in some odd statement of rage, I decided enough was enough and instantly quit alcohol forever, much as I did with cigarettes some eleven years ago. Despite being quieter than most butterflies in a room, I have always been a very determined chap that has unrivalled willpower (unless it's with biscuits or cake or crisps or food in general).

I'm staggeringly intolerant of idiots, rudeness and people that look down on others or cannot respect the norms of fitting in with societal expectations. I hate anyone who plays anything through their mobile phone speakers on a train, if you add to that by leaving your empty Fanta can or Nando's bag on the train table I will genuinely wish you ill-health or death by a thousand cuts. If you put your own sense of urgency over that of someone who is neither as fast, agile or important as you then I'll think of many unpleasantries and verbalise none (unless you are much smaller than me). Equally, if I see you carry the suitcase of an elderly lady up a staircase, buy a homeless person a coffee and sausage roll on a December morning and stop to talk to them, you'll make my day and restore my faith in some of humanity. I work hard at a business I co-own and then have no problem at all in doing nothing when the day ends and opportunity arises. I am highly skilled at finding plausible excuses for not doing manual work, gardening, DIY and I have been saying for nearly a decade that I need to exercise more. Some days I walk so few steps my smart ring thinks I have fallen into a coma and autodials 999. People regard me a slightly prejudiced when I could not be further from that label; I have opinions on every member of society and bear no judgement on ethnicity, sexual orientation or political preferences. Whether you're an aristocratic billionaire or a salt-of-the-earth builder I will judge you the same if you belch for fun in public or drive like a twat.

So, that is a brief summary of me and as the days and weeks go by you'll get to understand a lot more of what makes me tick, the challenges I face and you'll get a real chance to peek into my brain and get some amusement from the struggles I call life.